Eudora Batts Vs. the Eye Doctor's

Hey there, my hypothetical internet friend!

I guess most people go to the eye doctor’s office.  Personally, I think the eye doctor’s is worse than the dentist’s office, because in the dentist’s all you have to do in order to not experience extreme discomfort or pain is brush your fucking teeth (except that some people have dispositions to dental catastrophe, like my friend whose teeth are disintegrating and there’s nothing he can do about it).  Then again, I’ve never even had a cavity.  

At the eye doctors, I can’t escape.  They flip my eyelids back, drip stingy liquid on my eyeballs and of course, use this morsel of cleverly disguised sadism which shows the victim a picture of a cute little hot air balloon. 

 

“The balloon will slide in and out of focus,” they say.  

 

And then suddenly, there are bright red lights flashing, the machine is making creepy robotic death-sounds, and I’m wondering what exactly the repercussions would be if I stood my ass up and absconded with it out the door.  

I can’t seem to hold my eyes open because they are watering and miserable, and then comes the worst bit. 

*POOF* goes the air they shoot directly into my eyeball.  I blink and cry, but all they do is set the machine up to do the other eye.  

I don’t mind a lot of the other tests, but there is one you wouldn’t know unless you had glasses, and it tops the eye-poofer just for being really, really annoying.  Yes, I have glasses.  I didn’t put them in my picture because I felt it was too much detail.  But I wear them, every day, because not wearing them means I can’t actually recognize who I’m talking to (this happened with one of my best friends once.  She was not well pleased).  

Anyway, the thing that is the worst part of visiting the eye doctor’s is when they check to see if your prescription needs to be upgraded.  They set you in front of this giant device with all these lenses which sometimes make you feel as though you’re trying to see all the fishies through the rounded, plexiglass walls of an aquarium, and if that weren’t bad enough, they ask you questions. 

“Which is clearer,” they ask, flipping back and forth between lenses, “A, or B?”

“A………or B………………A…………or B?”  Well, at first this is easy, but when it gets to “Which is clearer, 5 or 6?  5, or 6?” they look pretty damn much the same.  

Situations like this sometimes present themselves to me in regular life (although I can think of a couple that are much more pleasurable than a doctor’s visit, and much dirtier) and I can’t help but want to scream “I don’t know, F and G look the same!” 

But no one understands the analogy unless they, too, have shitty eyesight.  Which is why I’m trying to illustrate it here, for any hypothetical who might have four-eyed friends, or for any glasses wearer that wants to know they’re not the only one who can’t tell the difference between the W and V lenses. 

Oh wait, what was that?  *hears a hypothetical voice*  I’m alone in this? 

Well, crap. 

At least they let me out afterward.