Eudora Batts and The Vow of Honesty

Dear Hypothetical Reader,

Hello!  I am Eudora Batts.  You may call me Eudora, or Miss Batts, or perhaps ‘girl,’ because I’ll respond to that anyway, but definitely not Dora.

If anyone calls me Dora, they will be tied to a chair made from the bones of the little childrens' dead goldfish and shown captioned photos - one of me that says “me” and one of Dora the Explorer that says “not me.”  Like this:

 

Anyways...I should probably explain a little, like maybe about why the hell I started a blog.  

I’ve never done it before, for one thing.  I don’t actually expect anyone to read it, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try to make it readable.  It’d be really awesome if someone did read my pointless crap - less pointless, I hope, than what I'm writing now.  I couldn't think of a topic to stand alone for my first post, so I ended up with an introduction.  Doesn't that make you, O hypothetical reader, so happy with me?

I’m going to try to make it funny, which probably means lots jokes involving death, murder, or sex*.  One can only hope I don’t use all three for one joke – or worse, pun. 

Who am I, really?  I’m just another American high schooler on the internets**.  I am definitely female, but by no means is Eudora Batts my real name.  Don’t ask why I chose that name out of all the thousands of millions of names, but I did.   I chose a pseudonym because I don't want anyone I know to find out about this through me.  Anyone who does read this does so by their own faults. 

So that single, solitary thing isn’t true, and I won’t lie about it.  In fact, I’m stating clearly that any names I mention will not be the names of the real people their actions are attributed to.  I'll make them up. 

But apart from that, I’m vowing right here and now to write only what I know to be the truth from now on.  It may be exaggerated, like the goldfish bones thing ***, but my meaning will at least always be true.  I can only tell things from my perspective, but I won’t make them up.  And I may be wrong – but I won’t lie.  

I’m going to write about things I notice.  Things that make me laugh and all the cool shit I find leading my somewhat conventional life.  I’ll write about the monster under my bed (his name is Doppelganger.  I read him out of a Monster Manual when I was seven) and the monster in my walls (his name is Inky.  He helps me think of things to do when I’m bored, like setting stuff on fire or starting blogs), and about many things I find a wee bit strange.  

 

Although I must warn you – I find myself a bit strange, too.  

*sorry about that.  

** sorry about that, too.  But I didn't have much of a choice.  At least, not a better one.  

*** see (*) and (**)